Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Panic Attacks and the Sex Equasions (More Casual=Sex; Less Casual=No Sex) (11/21/05)

I haven’t written about the guy in awhile because I haven’t been any clearer in my mind about him really. I’ve continued to see him and have continued to find new reasons to like him. But, as both of us are quick to point out, we are not seriously dating. Somehow other people that I’ve chosen to tell about him don’t see what we’re doing to be as casual as I do. No, we don’t see other people. We usually see each other twice a week. Yes, we’ve slept together. So he’s your bf, right? No.

I think his thoughts on me have changed in the past couple of weeks, which has led to a lot of confusion and thought on my end. See, two weeks ago he decided we shouldn’t sleep together anymore, given where we are (how casual we are, I think), that it shouldn’t be all about us hooking up. And things have been a lot less physical in these past two weeks (to endless frustration on my part because I have a very high sex drive).

I really couldn’t understand at first why things had changed physically, and to be honest it freaked me out because things fell apart physically between me and my ex about a month before we split up so I was concerned. He did his best to explain his perspective to me, and I think this is what it is: When we really were just absolutely completely casual and not thinking at all beyond say, the following week in terms of future, whatever we were doing was okay because it didn’t really mean anything. Now I think he’s considering whether he wants to get serious, so now that he’s thinking there might be a longer term future, he doesn’t want to screw it up by being so much about hooking up now. So . . . more casual= sex; less casual=no sex.

Once this was all a little clearer in my head I was happy. I mean, I really like this guy and it makes me feel great that he might want to start something real one day. Then all of a sudden I couldn’t breathe. My chest hurt. I believe this is what is referred to as a panic attack. The whole next day anytime I started thinking about us as in a real us, bf and gf, couple, me and him, him and me, getting real and serious, I started to get the panic attacks.

Guys, I have to be honest. I never thought a real fear of commitment existed but I was wrong. While I am sure that many of you fake it and exaggerate, I guess for some of you it is real. But I’ve been thinking a lot about my fears, and they don’t have to do with not being with anyone besides this guy. That part I’m fine with; monogamy is not a hard thing for me. It’s more the no foreseeable end part that starts my heart racing, and I think the reason is that I’m really happy in my life right now; I can’t say that was true last year or for several years before that.

I’m happy with this guy, happier than I was without him. But I’m afraid to lose myself in him. I know that didn’t make any sense to him when I told him but I really don’t know what other words to put to it. I was a certain person once, and then I wasn’t that girl for a long time. I let her be lost while I was with my ex, and it was no one’s fault but my own. I gave myself up for the last guy, and I’ve finally come back around to the girl I used to be, only even better. I just need to know that I am strong enough to not give that up again.

I know this guy wouldn’t want me to lose myself; he likes me for exactly who I am now. But that doesn’t help assuage my fear because I need to know that I am strong enough every day to hold onto who I’ve become instead of taking an easier way and giving in to this and that until eventually I’m not her anymore.

I know that’s all very cerebral and probably just a load of bullshit. I don’t think anyone I’ve tried to explain this to has understood, which probably means that I’m crazy but I still feel this way. The fear is real to me but I’m working on it because despite my issues, I really do like this guy and if he decides he’ll have me as his gf I want him as my bf.

If we take it slow. If I can just start thinking about it without the chest pains.

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