Endings

I've never been good at endings--the ending of an era, leaving a job (no matter how much I don't like it), ending relationships, ending friendships...all endings.

After I graduated college, I took the first job I could find that offered insurance and paid decently. It was as the manager of a small retail store. I H A T E D retail. I hated customer service when I did it in my first job, which I had from the time I was 16 through most of college (until the place closed, not until I chose to leave--perfect example of hating endings). I was going to work as a manager for a year or two until I figured out what to do next for my real career. I worked there for six years.

I think I have ended things with a guy once. When I was in seventh grade. In a note. Ever since then, guys ended things with me. Thinking back on my relationship with the Big X (Part I, Part II, Part III,and Part IV), I probably (if I didn't have this fear of ending things) would have ended things with him after 5 or 6 years, instead of . . . an unmentionable number of years. At which point he was the one who actually ended things.

I think I had a brief conversation with my therapist about all this at one point, in which I uncovered the fact that I moved away from my best friend when I was 4, and then a series of 3 childhood best friends moved away, leaving me with abandonment issues. Whatever the underlying reason, I hate endings.

I know that after only two dates, I hardly owed P. anything, but I also know that he is someone who would feel I owed him something. So I sort of settled and sent him an email. Now, I know email may not seem appropriate/kind, but first consider: 1. To meet him would constitute a third date, and it seems cruel to meet him to tell him I don't want to see him anymore. 2. To do it on the phone perhaps would be recommended but a. I was already bending by giving him a "breakup" when I don't think I owed that to him even; b. We had only spoken on the phone once in the past two weeks. 3. Our primary form of communication thus far had been email.

So I emailed him: "I've had a great time hanging out with you, but I have a lot going on with school and personal issues. I can't handle dating right now, so we should stop seeing each other. Good luck with everything." He didn't email me back for 3 days so I thought I was in the clear. But today he responded. It's sitting in my inbox, hounding me. I can't deal with endings. I don't want to read whatever he has to say.

I can't deal with endings. Especially if they get messy.