Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Big Things on my Mind

Sometimes a lot of time lapses between posts on this blog because I’m very busy and sometimes it’s because I have something big on my mind but I’m not ready to put words to it. This time it’s the second reason, and there are two big things on my mind.

I have avoided relationships for over three years. I have not wanted to get entangled with another person to that level mainly out of fear. When things ended with the Big X, I had to create a whole new life; over the course of a decade with him, I had lost all of my old friends and he was my best friend, so I thought that was okay. I had become a completely different person—someone who was unhappy most of the time, who had a temper, had lost her sense of humor . . . just not a great person, and not at all who I was before the Big X, and not at all who I wanted myself to be.

I didn’t ever want that to happen again; I didn’t want to lose who I am because of a guy. And I know it wasn’t entirely the Big X’s fault; he wasn’t so emotionally abusive to me that I HAD to give up my friends; he never verbally stated that I was to put him above family and everyone else—it was clearly implied and I was punished with screaming and name-calling if things weren’t the way he wanted—but still, I could have walked away at any point. I could have said no, I’m not going to go along with what you want over my own interests. It wasn’t entirely the Big X’s fault that I became a mean and unhappy person; he didn’t force my personality to change—it was nearly impossible not to pick up his pessimism and mean-spiritedness because that was the only thing I was ever exposed to—but still, I could have walked away at any point. I could have but I didn’t.

So after I picked myself up and put the pieces together again like the Humpty Dumpty of 2005, I decided I shouldn’t get in a relationship with anyone again for a long, long time. And I dated quite a bit, but I either always found something wrong with the guy within the first couple of dates, or they began to talk to me as if they wanted a relationship (using terms like girlfriend or talking about “our future”) and I had my usual panic attacks and ran away. I never had to worry about ending a relationship because I never let it get to that point.

I’ve been dating the MF now for nearly 3 months, and within the last week or two I’ve felt like things have turned some kind of corner with us. I haven’t been able to put the words to it even in my own head and certainly not to the MF himself. The best I’ve been able to do is tell him how I feel about the sex, and I’ve been telling him that a lot—maybe too much. I mean, it is really just great. Everything fits together just right and I am very satisfied—more satisfied than I have been in the past. But I don’t want to give him the impression that I’m in this for the sex because you know what I can’t hide from myself anymore? My feelings run deeper than just casual sex. I’d be lying to myself if I said that was all this is anymore. Maybe it started that way for me, but it’s not that way for me anymore.

I’m still scared as hell, though. I now find myself in the middle of that thing I’ve spent 3 years fearing: A Relationship. And I don’t want to end it just yet. But I’m still scared, and I’m trying to put words to why and see if they are reasons I can fix, or if this really just won’t work. I hope I can fix all the fears, but I don’t know that that is true, which is probably the biggest fear of all: What if I invest my efforts into this thing now (something I’ve really avoided doing so far)—get through such scary things as him meeting a couple of my friends, for example, or God forbid make myself vulnerable to him—and in the end, there are other things that just can’t be fixed? What if I do all that really scary and hard work and it’s all for naught? What if I let him hurt me? Or I hurt him unintentionally because of all my stupid fears? I couldn’t live with myself anymore.

So for now I just tell him about how much I love the sex, and not about how much I love everything else.

Oh. And the second big thing on my mind? An unsolicited IM from my sister which hurt me very deeply, so deeply I’m not ready yet—even though it was sent over a week ago—to discuss it here, or with her for that matter. So . . . to sum up: I’m afraid of getting hurt by or hurting the MF; and I am deeply hurt already by someone who I’ve considered one of my best friends in these last couple of years. The two of those things together is enough to make me re-think the philosophy by which I’ve lived my life from 2005 to 2008.

Translation: It may be awhile until my next post again. And I probably need a shrink.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A Short Missive on Tights

One of the things about working at the State Capitol is that there are cameras everywhere. Between just the fact that it is a government building and the fact that we now live in a Homeland Security Rainbow Alert world, there is nothing you can do anywhere on the campus of the Capitol without being recorded. Now, I’m sure that most of the time the state cops who are monitoring those cameras are unable to actually watch what is going on in range of all the hundreds of them. Still, as a rule, I try not to pick a wedgie or fix my bra anywhere in the building except for inside the four walls of the bathroom stall. (And I’m not even sure that the bathroom stalls don’t have cameras…) But yesterday I was wearing some tights that kept falling off my ass. This is because I recently lost over 10 pounds and they no longer fit properly (yay me except for the expense of buying new stockings). However, this also means that periodically throughout the day until I get around to buying some new black tights, I have to stop somewhere out of view of people and yank my skirt up under my armpits, bend over, and slowly work the extra material that has now gathered down around my ankles back up to my hips where it belongs. (And do so without causing a run due to my icky winter-time fingernails.)

If I do not do this, I risk walking down a long hallway in the Legislative Office Building while my stockings slowly fall all the way down my legs and rest—crotch exposed—between my ankles while I try to crab-walk to the nearest bathroom. And there are always dozens of people in the LOB hallways just waiting for someone like me to do something embarrassing so as to entertain them. No, this has not happened yet. Almost, but not quite. What has happened is that I’ve had to duck into an empty conference room or office, close the door, and perform the skirt-lifting, stocking-tugging ritual described above. All the while knowing that there’s a chance that just maybe some state cop down in the control room is sitting there calling his buddies over to ogle and laugh at me. And should that happen (or should that already have happened), then I will forever be followed around the building by the monitor-watching cops, just waiting to see what I might do next. Still, it can’t be helped. I’ll have the state cops ogling me in private any day over dozens of legislators, lobbyists, and staffers pointing and laughing in public at my bare ass shuffling quickly away from them.

Plus I'm sure I'm not the first person to be doing something inappropriate in private while the Staties silently witness down in the control room.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Why, Yes. Yes I Was Drunk.

I reread that last post again this morning, and I really wanted to delete it. But there is something in me that disagrees with ever deleting a completed post. All I can say is I'm glad I didn't say what was in my head. And I was drunk. Yes, this particular time, I was drunk. I had been out with a friend for dinner and had a martini and a Guinness. Those Guinnesses can do me in. And of course, when I came home I had a bit more to drink. And I've been feeling the warm fuzzies toward the MF of late, as you know. And out popped that thought in my head. Thank god my drunk ass was able to keep my lips closed so I didn't vocalize the thought. What's never been said does not need to be explained.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

The Answer

I said to him about my dog, "Because she loves you."

He said, "That's why I give her chocolate."

I thought of a hundred different variations of a response, all along the lines of, "So why did you give me chocolate for Valentine's Day?" before I realized what the response was to that question, why I kept asking it from his lips and responding in my voice, in my mind.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Something Little

The weekend was a very nice one. There was a snow storm Friday night into Saturday, and the MF and I just holed up in the apartment, played games, watched tv, and talked. And other stuff . . . I keep waiting for things to take a turn for the worse with the MF but every time I spend time with him, it just gets better and better. I'm feeling very warm and fuzzy toward the MF and not at all like talking about anything that might ruin things.

~~~~~

I went to my hometown at lunchtime today for a doctor's appointment and then went over to the pharmacy to pick up some prescription refills. Now that I actually have insurance, I'm using the hell out of it. At the pharmacy, the pharmacist came out to hand me the prescription himself--turns out it was this guy (who we shall refer to as LD so as to keep him anonymous) that grew up down the road from me. He was a few years ahead of me in school, but my god was he hot. I always had a crush on him.

When I was 18, I was at a friend's party and so was LD. There was significant drinking, as there tends to be at parties when you're that age, and I told a friend that I used to have a crush on LD. She of course thought it would be funny to tell him, and then he approached me. One thing led to another and a little bit later we were hooking up in a quiet corner. Things were going very well until . . . I slid my hand down his pants and felt his erect . . . member . . . which--remember I was only 18 with limited experience--but even so, I knew that this was the smallest penis I had ever seen or touched. And it was erect. Reader, I ask you to examine your thumb. Yeah.

I reacted poorly, snatching my hand back out of his pants and making excuses and going away. I felt really bad about this later on, especially the part where I told a couple of people about this *ahem* little issue. I'm sure that had this happened today, I would not have acted like that. I would have been able to cover up my surprise and I wouldn't have blabbed to people, but then again, I was only 18 and drunk. Also later on I found out he was cheating on his gf with me anyhow. So all's well that ends well.

Today he was very eager to remind me of who he was (I didn't recognize him) so apparently he wasn't too hurt by the incident. He also wasn't wearing a wedding ring, despite the fact that I know he's married. Once a little snake, always a little snake I guess. And now you know what LD stands for.