Friday, February 29, 2008

Intensity

I was talking to Rose last night and I mentioned that on Wednesday night, I got barely any sleep. I believe this was due partly to the fact that my father announced his wishes for Mother’s Day: He wants his girls to all come to the house so we can all talk about our memories of our mother with him. This is not what I want to do on the first Mother’s Day after my mom has died. Frankly, I may never want to celebrate Mother’s Day again ever, in any fashion, unless I myself become a mother. I want to just hide in my apartment, maybe with a friend, maybe drink, and go to bed early. My dad just won’t let go of his grief and sometimes I feel like when I spend time with him, his grief is drowning me. I cried a lot that night; he made me feel like maybe I’m a bad person, like maybe I don’t respect my mother’s memory as much as he does. I mean, he didn’t say that, but he surely did a good job of implying it when he said, “Well, of course I’ll respect your wishes, but I hope you change your mind.”

The other part of why I think I didn’t sleep is that I’ve been a bit lonely lately for my friends and family; between being sick basically for 3 weeks, and then getting mugged, I kind of pulled in on myself and I haven’t spent any real time with my sisters (or my dad, but after last night I’m not sure I care to spend much time with him right now anyway) or with any of my friends besides Rachel, who I see at lunch most days but with other people and only for like 45 minutes, so it’s not like I’ve been able to have a one-on-one with her or anything.

I spent Tuesday night with the MF, and I told him that we needed to talk soon but I couldn’t do it on Tuesday night; I was just too tired to deal with it. Last night I saw him again but I didn’t talk to him. I don’t know if I will at all. There are things I want to say to him that I just can’t, like “I don’t think you lie to me but I do think you intentionally keep secrets from me” but I don’t know that I really want to know those secrets anyway. I probably should; there is probably a reason he’s keeping them and it would probably be good for me in the long run to know, but I just don’t want to deal with it right now.

There are also things I need to say to him that I don’t want to say, like “You need to stop leaving marks on my body” because it’s disrespectful to the FWB—the FWB who I’m very ambivalent about seeing again anyway, but I’m afraid if I’m not seeing the FWB I might be stupid and let the MF hurt me. I’m also afraid that I might hurt the MF. Sometimes certain things—the way he looks at me or touches me, the things he does for me—make me think he likes me quite a bit. And I would feel awful if I hurt him.

~~~~~

P.S. I just realized what “marks on my body” might sound like; they’re sex marks, people. The MF doesn’t beat me. You should know by now that I would beat to a bloody pulp any guy who ever raised a hand to me in anger; shame on you, readers, for thinking otherwise.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Further Proof of my Status as President of Procrastination

Ugh. I was just rereading that last post and it sounds almost gushy, like I'm way more into the MF than I really am at this point. All I meant to say was that for now he's what I want and I don't know if he's what I will want in the future, but that doesn't matter because I'm not thinking about the future right now, but that I do think that if we were to meet in the future, he would probably then be the type of guy I would want.

Every weekend he comes over for a day or two and I'm in this happy little cocoon with him where everything's great just the way it is, and it was from that haze of goodwill that I wrote the last post; and they are my feelings, but I absolutely didn't give the full story then. I was feeling positive so I only wrote positive, but the truth is much more complex. The truth is we are going to have to have that conversation I was talking about a couple of weeks ago, and soon. I've been putting it off for far too long because I was sick, then I was sick again, then I was working long hours and then I was mugged, and today is the MF's birthday and I'm not going to make him have that talk on his birthday.

So maybe this weekend...

Saturday, February 16, 2008

28/martinis

I think the age of 28 is when some people make the switch from shots of vodka or mixed drinks to martinis. Now, not all switch. Some continue with the mixed drinks or switch from shots to swigs straight from the bottle. And even if they do make the switch, there are grades of martini drinker, ranging from the cosmo and appletini to the espresso martini and the pomegranate martini to the straight up vodka or gin martini, and if someone is really hardcore they’ll have it bone dry. But no matter which type of martini drinker you are, the bottom line is, you have learned to appreciate the finer things, in a purer form.

There is of course also the difference between the olive and the twist, but that is for another story…

The MF is a shot of vodka kind of guy right now, but then he’s only 25. I like him because he’s a shot of vodka guy right now—because he’s young and brings out the young in me. But I also like him because I can see in him the Ketel One Martini guy of the future. He is both the thing I like and the thing I need.

I guess the question is, do I want to stick around until he turns 28 (or thereabouts) and turns into Mr. Martini? Mr. Shot can’t settle down and commit to being exclusive, but he is awesome in bed and a whole lot of fun out of it. And let’s face it, he’s not Mr. Mixed Drink. That is very important. He is, that is to say, a manly man and likes to take risks, try new things. He knows what he wants and it’s the same thing I want.

Mr. Martini right now wouldn’t be Mr. Right because as smooth as he is, he is the guy who is looking for a wife, possibly a mother for his children who will stay at home and care for them and when he comes home from a hard day of white-collar work, share those martinis with him before they sit down to dinner. And I am so not that girl right now. Or he’s looking for a mistress to fuck on the side when his wife is at home. And I might be that girl right now . . . I’m KIDDING! I swear!

I am too self-absorbed to have a kid and I like my independence and what I’m doing right now too much to want to stay home. I would share a martini before dinner right now, but I wouldn’t cook dinner most nights. I like to drink a little too much, I like to be a little too free, I like that the only things I have to do with my pets is feed them and take care of their crap. I’m a girl who is much more comfortable with Mr. Shot.

But someday, I do what a Mr. Martini. The question is, I guess, will this Mr. Shot turn into the Mr. Martini I need? And will I want him in 3 years? Or will I want something else sooner? Or will he not want me, Ms. Bone Dry with a Twist?

One thing I know the future holds: The MF will be a twist guy. I’m a twist girl.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

I Got Mugged

So the laundry attendant was wrong. My purse was not stolen because it was on the machine behind me while I was moving around my loads. It was stolen from me in my own driveway, behind my own house, last night at 9:30 PM on my way home from working late. I was mugged but not hurt physically. I'm making all the phone calls to credit card companies, the bank, etc., but I'm just very shaken up emotionally. I had been sleeping better the past few days but last night I barely got any sleep. I was panicking and I had such a nervous stomach I was throwing up and was just so worked up I couldn't sleep until I finally got about 2 hours' sleep around 4 am. I don't want to tell my dad or some other people because they will be all, "See? Tina moves to the city and she gets mugged. It's not safe there and I'm never going to visit her again." Time to go to the pharmacy to pick up my anxiety medication so I can stop having panic attacks long enough to take a nap.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Thank God

I recently surpassed 200 posts here...I have had several things on my mind the last few days besides the fact that I'm still sick and went home early today from work again because of it. Thank god I have tomorrow off.

I was thinking of my parents' relationship, the relationship I had with the Big X, and the relationships I've had with men before and since. I talked recently with a former FWB and continue to talk with Wade, a guy who has been interested in me recently but I haven't pursued. I am thinking in general of how I relate with men and how my parents' relationship plays into all this, and of course how this all relates to the MF.

This is a tangled web that needs to be unraveled once I am in my right mind again. Maybe tomorrow...

Thank god I have tomorrow off.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Wish I Could Stop Crying

I know I need to talk to the MF again; I've nearly figured out what it is I want to say, but I just can't make myself do it right now. I'm so sick today and I've been crying all morning like I do when I've got a fever or feel really, really awful, and it just feels so nice to have him taking care of me. I just want to relax right now and put myself in someone else's hands for awhile. At least until I feel better.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

What's Keeping Me Up at Night

So the good news is I no longer have any signs of my stuffy nose. The bad news is my hacking cough kept me up most of the night last night. I didn’t have my handy dandy cough syrup with vicodin that helps me sleep when I get that really bad cough because I didn’t stay at home last night, and the regular old cough syrup where I was staying just wasn’t cutting it, not even when I doubled the dosage. Eventually I got a few hours’ sleep.

I’m worried that my lack of sleep is due to a recurrence of my insomnia, which bothers me at stressful times of my life. The longest bout was a semester of undergrad in which I averaged 2 hours’ sleep a night. Two nights ago, I got about four hours’ sleep (not too bad) and last night even though I was coughing all night, I also wasn’t tired in the least, despite the fact that I had three glasses of red wine while we were out (which is partly why I ended up staying over) and then took cough syrup—usually a surefire ticket to passing out.

I do have a few big things on my mind right now that I’m sure are what’s keeping me up. Even though it’s two weeks into the semester at school, I still haven’t registered so I can officially graduate in May, and I haven’t done a thing on my thesis in probably three months. There is no excuse for that, and there is no excuse for me not to graduate by May. I know all this and yet for some reason I can’t make myself do anything about it.

Then there is the thing I am most embarrassed to admit: I’ve got some serious financial issues right now. When I started my new job, I had to wait a month to get my first paycheck, and of course during that month I was no longer getting my unemployment. Suddenly, all the bills I had been able to manage for two years without working full-time were no longer manageable. In January, my father paid my rent for me—the first time I have asked him for money since I started baby-sitting at 13 to earn my own money. I was able to pay one credit card last month, but that was it. Besides that, I paid nothing.

Then of course my first paycheck wasn’t for a full two weeks because I started in the middle of a pay period, so now I don’t have all the money for rent. I know by the next paycheck, I’ll start catching up, but last night I had to ask my sister to borrow $300 to cover the rest of my rent in the meantime. Also, since I paid no bills last month, I of course owe double this month because they don’t just go away. I think I’m going to have to ask my dad for a loan to catch up with things, and I know I shouldn’t feel bad about asking him for money because if he has it, he’s always happy to help me, and I could list tens of thousands of dollars he spent on my sisters (mostly Stacy) for things like harps and pianos and riding lessons that he never spent on me, and that’s not to mention his continued support of them while they were in college and after.

And this is not their fault, and it’s not him playing favorites. It’s my own doing that he and my mother never helped me out. From the time that I was old enough, I worked usually two jobs so that besides living under their roof, I took nothing from them. I saved up and bought my own car, paid my own car insurance, bought my own food, clothes, etc., until the day I moved out. I never asked for help and when I turned sixteen and started working, I made it pretty clear that I didn’t want it. It’s that incredibly independent streak in me that makes it so hard for me to swallow my pride and ask my dad for help. But if I do, then I will catch up and within a month be financially solvent again. The financial problems have been on my mind for weeks now, and the thesis stuff has been on my mind for months, but both of them are coming to a head right now and I can’t seem to kick myself in the ass hard enough to get on top of them.

The newest thing, of course, is the thing with the MF. I’m still mulling it over right now, and what makes it incredibly hard is that I like him. I know I want to keep seeing him but the conversation we had on Sunday is troubling and something that isn’t settled, at least not for me. If I didn’t like him so much, I would walk away like I do at the first sign of trouble with any other guy I date. We’ll have to have another conversation about this, I know, which pisses me off. I don’t like to talk about this stuff and I wish things could just stay simple like they are the first few weeks you are dating someone: All you know—and all you need to know—is that you like spending time together. I’ve been spoiled these last few years by never having to get past that initial period but now here I am two months in and it’s getting messy. And I can’t walk away, not yet, because I still like him too much. Aside from this one thing (which is, of course, a fairly big thing), he has been so nice and so sweet. Why can’t he slip up once in awhile and be a jerk?

The fucker.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Disappointing

I’m feeling mostly better, just a lingering cough now really. Yes, Jenn, a hot toddie would help tremendously I’m sure, but I’ll need to go buy the whiskey for it first. I was at a friend’s house to watch the Superbowl and am feeling more disappointed than usual that my team lost. It just felt like destiny that the Pats would win this year of all years and to have that not happen really kind of left me feeling a little empty inside. So I’m back at work today after taking some sick time, it’s a Monday morning, it’s snowing outside, I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, and I would say that I am feeling downright depressed this morning.

Oh, and the MF mentioned last night that he reads my blog and he’s not going to stop seeing other people. Not sure how I feel about that yet, honestly. I’m still mulling it over in my head.