Monday, March 19, 2007

Old Lovers

The Big X was a selfish lover. I of course didn't quite realize this at the time, having only ever been with him, but in the years since, I've come to realize what it is to be with a man who is a generous lover.

I'm thinking of old lovers right now because I've recently heard from two of them, and of course am planning on attending my cousin's wedding where the Big X will be the best man. On the wedding front, I have lost 5 pounds--not nearly enough, but a start--and have extracted a promise from a good (cute) friend to be my date should I not have met my fabulous new love by then. And he understands that being my date will require a pretense that we are madly in love and can't keep our hands off each other (at least whenever the Big X is around). So I'm feeling more at peace with that impending date with destiny.

The old lovers--first is my most recent one, actually. P. emailed me. He wanted me to know that he's met someone new, someone at work, and even though he knows that relationships in the workplace don't generally work out, this one is different. And they are saving up to purchase a condo together. So, let's sum up: P. met and began dating a girl at work approximately 4 weeks ago and now they are planning on purchasing real estate together.

Boy was I on the mark when I ran away because he was moving too fast.

The other old lover is my former Friend With Benefits (FWB), to whom I haven't spoken since last June. We didn't leave things poorly; we just left them. I got caught up in the campaign and then just never bothered to contact him again (but neither did he contact me).

He was recently dumped via text message. He admits that this is quite funny, and isn't too upset by it since he was thinking of ending things with her as well. He says he's been thinking of me a lot lately. He says I'm the best he's ever had. (This is such a line. I can't even be flattered by it, it's such a blatant line.) He hopes I don't think poorly of him (I'm assuming this is because he hasn't contacted me in so long) and wants to know if I'm interested in getting together sometime.

I don't know if I am interested in getting together sometime. We had a really good arrangement, when we had it. We were strictly in it for the physical aspect, though we were also friends of a sort, but neither of us was looking for a relationship. We were exclusive sexually during that time, but were free to date. The only two rules were that if either of us was intimate with someone else during that time, we would let the other know (for safety reasons only), and that neither of us would get emotionally involved with the other. I stressed this last rule every time we saw each other. I was dead serious about not wanting a relationship.

I'm pretty sure based on the tone of his email that he is looking to pick up the FWB situation, and I can tell that whether he was about to end things with this girl or not, he's on the rebound. Which makes things messy no matter what. Should I choose to accept the FWB situation again, I fear that because he is on the rebound, he may be looking for more from me.

On the other hand, I'm not clear on what the hell I'm even looking for at the moment. I rejected P. because he wanted a Relationship and he wanted it fast. I do clearly have commitment issues, but I think there is now a part of me that wants to try again. Otherwise, why would I have been interested in starting to date again to begin with? Not knowing my own intentions further complicates things with an FWB situation, because the only way that such an arrangement will work with no hurt feelings is that both people really mean it when they say they want only sex and they follow the rules.

Or, I suppose, it could work if both people really don't mean it when they say they want only sex, and they end up falling madly in love and get married and blah blah blah. But I think you can tell from my blahs that I don't really think this second possibility is very likely. More likely is something somewhere in between, where one person is more vested in things and ends up getting hurt.

I don't think poorly of him. I never expected anything from him, so losing contact wasn't a big deal to me. As far as I'm concerned, neither of us ever owed the other any explanations. I was clear that last time we saw each other in June that the earliest he would hear from me was August 9 (the day after the Primary election), and when we won that, I figured it was understood that I would be busy until November. I'm not sure what to read into the fact that he thinks I may be upset with him for not contacting me. Did he think he was blowing me off? If so, does that mean that all along he thought there was something more than I thought there was? I don't even know.

So if I begin things with FWB again, I must be prepared for the possibilities and know whether I'm prepared to hurt him or be hurt by him.

Or I can say to hell with it. There are no other prospects on the horizon right now and the sex was good (the best I've ever had? Don't know about that). I'm nearly certain that in the short term I won't be the one who would end up hurt. The best I can do is be honest with him, I suppose.

After all, FWB is a generous lover. And a generous lover is a good thing to have.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey, i stumbled upon your blog awhile ago and really like your writing. am currently in an fwb-type situation with a guy, and this blog entry strikes a strong cord with me. except that i'm the one on the rebound, not the guy. hence i can totally see where your ex-fwb is coming from.

hope everything works out for you!

Tina said...

Thanks for the compliment. I always just sort of use this as a diary and it's so great to know that someone else finds it interesting.

What kinds of expectations do you think you have, being on the rebound? This could educate me.

Anonymous said...

my expectations are limited, to say the least... i had a pretty bad break-up a couple of months ago so i know that emotionally i'm still a little fragile. but i am currently enjoying my singlehood, so i can't see myself getting into anything serious for at least the next few months!

i've only started seeing the guy a few weeks ago but he's going back to the states for good in summer, so there's an unofficial "expiry date" of sorts on the horizon.

and to be honest, that's for the best! - because while i love the casual fun that we're having, i'm aware that there's always the scary possibility that in my rebound state, i might wake up one morning and realise that i actually like him in a romantic way. and then get hurt all over again.

being on the rebound, i guess what i'm looking for from my fwb is companionship and intimacy, minus the emotional trappings of a relationship. but since companionship and intimacy can take on emotional meaning (for men and women alike), the important thing is therefore to be transparent and clear from the start with the other person about what exactly the fwb situation entails, i.e. no irrational expectations from both parties

(though, in my case, an expiry date suffices!)