Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Is a Cheater Always a Cheater?

Dan posted something that's been sticking in my head because it's sort of the other side of a situation I found myself in years ago. It's about when a man (or anyone) cheats and whether he deserves forgiveness. Read it.

I forgave someone that cheated once. I figured, (and this is before I ever saw this episode of King of Queens where Carrie and Doug say the same thing) that every relationship has one big mistake. And this was it. I told him if he ever cheated again, that was the end. He had one shot to make it better. He didn't cheat again. For six years. Then he did. Then things ended.

I've heard many times (often from women) the phrase, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I don't buy it. Even after what happened with the Big X (for those of you slow in catching up, read Parts I, II, III, and IV), I don't buy it. I guess what it comes down to is whether you believe in . . . (are you ready? Cuz this is deep!) . . . the redemption of the human soul.

Do you believe that someone convicted of a crime can be rehabilitated? (Let's hold aside child molesters and serial killers and the like for now.) Do you think that someone can do something that breaks the law, be placed in the correctional system (again, let's assume the best circumstances re: rehabilitative services that are offered), and come out fixed? Can someone who has ever committed a crime (for the purposes of this post we'll say up to the level of robbery and even possibly murder) change and be a better person who will not commit crime again? Do you think that someone who has been convicted of, say, drunk driving can realize the horrible mistakes they have made and atone for them?

I do.

I know not everyone does, but I do. Okay, so the Big X didn't. But I still believe that if a drunk driver or a bank robber can rehabilitate, that a cheater can too. That's not to say that all will. But if a cheater realizes their mistakes and feels the guilt about it, and wants to be a better person, I think they can.

What will happen if a future boyfriend cheats? Would I give him another chance? Well, to answer that completely honestly, I'd have to be able to see myself actually with a man in a real relationship again, which I'm not doing yet. But in theory, my answer will be maybe. I'd have to use my gut about how badly he wanted to change and how strong I thought his conviction could be, but if all that was good enough, yes. I would give him a second chance. But I'd have to be sure.

Where I think I went wrong with the Big X was that I was never really sure. That's why I felt the need to check up on him from the time he originally cheated on me to a few weeks after we broke up when I found out he had been cheating on me for that last month.

I will never again be someone who checks up. That's why next time I need to be sure.

1 comment:

dan said...

There were a lot of external factors in my situation too. It has a lot to do with your instincts and your guts.

Some people are redeemable, others aren't. Most of us aren't good enough to say one way or another until it's too late though.