tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-202370592024-03-07T19:24:58.735-05:00In My Head"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.comBlogger226125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-89475945212601682842009-01-16T11:53:00.002-05:002009-01-16T12:38:48.798-05:00The EndI'm ending this blog. I think it's time to start fresh. There's a new one getting started. I'm not going to link to it here but if I visit your blog, I'll let you know how to find me. Or you can email me for the url if you like.Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-29853174990446949282008-11-28T11:06:00.002-05:002008-11-28T11:13:06.409-05:00Yeah. It's over. I don't think there's anything to do to change his mind, and that is probably healthier for me, anyway. For reasons I'll explain when I have the strength. He wants to know if he can keep the key for a few days.Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-31875574816027662322008-11-28T08:49:00.004-05:002008-11-28T09:07:46.921-05:00Forgive MeI fucked up. I didn't mean to but I guess that doesn't count for anything. I made one big fuck-up in the year I've spent with J. I told J about it on Wednesday night because he was finally honest with me about some of his biggest secrets. I thought we had finally made a bit of progress in our relationship and I was completely willing to try to work through the problems we had. I wasn't sure Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-16483753721312034882008-11-27T12:21:00.009-05:002008-11-27T16:27:00.592-05:00Morning After the Night Full of Trouble, aka Happy Thanksgiving, AssholeI'm sure it's pretty clear that I had a rough night. I have yet to sleep a solid hour. I may have fucked up the turkey. I am very, very fragile. I just needed a walk to clear my head and prepare myself for the fakeness I must put on to deal with the Grandmonster. I just don't know if I have it in me today.So I smoked. I took the dogs for a walk and had a cigarette. Smoking is a huge sin in my Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-41521895568968327922008-11-27T05:06:00.005-05:002008-11-27T05:30:38.516-05:00Night Full of TroubleA moment of levity in a night full of trouble: I kid you not--someone from Wasilla, Alaska visited my blog three hours ago. This Wasillan was searching for hot toddie recipes and if you spell it wrong like I did in that posting, I pop up all the time. I'm sure it wasn't Sarah Palin, since this person visited on his or her Mac. And I am positive that Sarah Palin is a PC person.About the night fullTinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-50660526796540876032008-10-18T05:00:00.001-04:002008-10-18T05:01:44.229-04:00Crying Over a ManThe last time I was up at this hour crying over a man was, I think, the week after the Big X and I broke up. The whole week.Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-81005985796134132902008-10-18T04:26:00.003-04:002008-10-18T04:40:17.013-04:00Oh, BotherIt bothers me that J did not come home tonight. I know that it shouldn't; we've never made each other any real promises. And he's not come home in the past. And this isn't home to him anyway; he has his own place still, even if the cable and internet have both been shut off for months. And we've both gone on trips without the other, not coming home for days.But it does bother me.There has Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-25713171091137829092008-08-30T19:33:00.008-04:002008-08-30T20:30:58.375-04:00A Little Interlude, After a Long Silence This is a picture of the house that I helped burn down.Let me explain. One day earlier this summer, I stayed home from work, not feeling very well. I had to get to the post office, however, to mail my already-late rent. On my way to the car, I looked over the fence in the backyard and saw smoke coming from the backyard of the house behind mine. It smelled like burning wood, and there were noTinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-74255240119935598422008-05-25T04:41:00.003-04:002008-05-25T05:08:35.207-04:00Digression and Mourning, Part II heart "Shortbus" and if you haven't seen it yet you should. I mean, the Mayor...James and Jamie...Caleb and Ceth-pronounced-Seth...the orgies...the pot and the masturbation...the photographs and the molestation...the blackout....the orgasms...but I digress...I need to go see my Uncle George and Mike in Florida again soon. They just wrote me an email:Now you didn't hear this from me....but Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-83930917139485305922008-05-23T11:22:00.002-04:002008-05-23T11:41:44.588-04:00Mr. Morning Person Security GuardWhen I walk into the building every morning, I am greeted by security. They always say good morning and most of them know me so they add some other comment as well. There is one guy, however, who I dread seeing when I get here because he is one of those Morning People. I have never once seen him anything less than absolutely beaming at the prospect of starting a new day, and no matter how Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-47691116419298495252008-05-06T12:44:00.002-04:002008-05-06T12:53:23.109-04:00I'm Working on It . . .I'm working on something. Something that I'm going to post here but it's taking me some deep thought. It was started by the conversation that the MF and I had last night--a sort of checking in on the status of us thing, making sure we are roughly on the same page. Actually, though, it was started long before then, but that gave me the motivation to try to put it down in writing.It's all about Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-18221763999730863862008-04-23T11:37:00.011-04:002008-04-23T12:00:46.885-04:00The Office Is Full of Floozies(I'd apologize for the inappropriate nature of this post but then most of you have read this blog long enough to expect inappropriate . . .)This is how low I’ve sunk: I went to the ladies’ room a few minutes ago to remove my panties because they are old and uncomfortable, so now I am going commando (with a skirt on) all because I have been too lazy to do my laundry for two weeks. And on my way Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-40133462713400708112008-04-15T21:03:00.002-04:002008-04-15T21:06:59.142-04:00Stream of Consciousnesswhy they are opposite . . . going to be an aunt again . . . the things that make him right . . . forgiving/forgetting . . . i'm sure i'm forgetting something . . . why so sensitive?Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-35234182342634224492008-04-04T13:28:00.001-04:002008-04-04T13:28:45.693-04:00I like stories where the timing is completely different from all the other stories, where you’re never sure whether you’re near the end or just the start of another chapter of the story, not even when you pay attention to the timing of where the beginning and the end are. They break the rules, stretch the bounds of story-telling, not to the point of unbelievability—not to the point where they Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-74286977387151473042008-03-26T12:31:00.000-04:002008-03-26T12:32:51.129-04:00Big Things on my MindSometimes a lot of time lapses between posts on this blog because I’m very busy and sometimes it’s because I have something big on my mind but I’m not ready to put words to it. This time it’s the second reason, and there are two big things on my mind.I have avoided relationships for over three years. I have not wanted to get entangled with another person to that level mainly out of fear. When Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-52774003137103572572008-03-11T11:29:00.001-04:002008-03-11T11:32:23.566-04:00A Short Missive on TightsOne of the things about working at the State Capitol is that there are cameras everywhere. Between just the fact that it is a government building and the fact that we now live in a Homeland Security Rainbow Alert world, there is nothing you can do anywhere on the campus of the Capitol without being recorded. Now, I’m sure that most of the time the state cops who are monitoring those cameras are Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-51865611214392163492008-03-06T09:15:00.003-05:002008-03-06T10:02:43.525-05:00Why, Yes. Yes I Was Drunk.I reread that last post again this morning, and I really wanted to delete it. But there is something in me that disagrees with ever deleting a completed post. All I can say is I'm glad I didn't say what was in my head. And I was drunk. Yes, this particular time, I was drunk. I had been out with a friend for dinner and had a martini and a Guinness. Those Guinnesses can do me in. And of Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-32353440467446089032008-03-05T22:01:00.002-05:002008-03-05T22:06:40.735-05:00The AnswerI said to him about my dog, "Because she loves you." He said, "That's why I give her chocolate."I thought of a hundred different variations of a response, all along the lines of, "So why did you give me chocolate for Valentine's Day?" before I realized what the response was to that question, why I kept asking it from his lips and responding in my voice, in my mind.Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-47496122837834159322008-03-03T10:28:00.005-05:002008-03-03T15:42:12.064-05:00Something LittleThe weekend was a very nice one. There was a snow storm Friday night into Saturday, and the MF and I just holed up in the apartment, played games, watched tv, and talked. And other stuff . . . I keep waiting for things to take a turn for the worse with the MF but every time I spend time with him, it just gets better and better. I'm feeling very warm and fuzzy toward the MF and not at all like Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-63065327668171911152008-02-29T09:35:00.000-05:002008-02-29T09:38:34.769-05:00IntensityI was talking to Rose last night and I mentioned that on Wednesday night, I got barely any sleep. I believe this was due partly to the fact that my father announced his wishes for Mother’s Day: He wants his girls to all come to the house so we can all talk about our memories of our mother with him. This is not what I want to do on the first Mother’s Day after my mom has died. Frankly, I may Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-12900786255924744972008-02-21T16:38:00.003-05:002008-02-21T16:45:36.412-05:00Further Proof of my Status as President of ProcrastinationUgh. I was just rereading that last post and it sounds almost gushy, like I'm way more into the MF than I really am at this point. All I meant to say was that for now he's what I want and I don't know if he's what I will want in the future, but that doesn't matter because I'm not thinking about the future right now, but that I do think that if we were to meet in the future, he would probably Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-9258558041470268632008-02-16T21:19:00.000-05:002008-02-16T21:23:58.268-05:0028/martinisI think the age of 28 is when some people make the switch from shots of vodka or mixed drinks to martinis. Now, not all switch. Some continue with the mixed drinks or switch from shots to swigs straight from the bottle. And even if they do make the switch, there are grades of martini drinker, ranging from the cosmo and appletini to the espresso martini and the pomegranate martini to the Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-44933215437854170852008-02-14T13:59:00.003-05:002008-02-14T14:20:17.233-05:00I Got MuggedSo the laundry attendant was wrong. My purse was not stolen because it was on the machine behind me while I was moving around my loads. It was stolen from me in my own driveway, behind my own house, last night at 9:30 PM on my way home from working late. I was mugged but not hurt physically. I'm making all the phone calls to credit card companies, the bank, etc., but I'm just very shaken up Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-61093807388374826062008-02-12T01:45:00.000-05:002008-02-12T01:54:25.992-05:00Thank GodI recently surpassed 200 posts here...I have had several things on my mind the last few days besides the fact that I'm still sick and went home early today from work again because of it. Thank god I have tomorrow off.I was thinking of my parents' relationship, the relationship I had with the Big X, and the relationships I've had with men before and since. I talked recently with a former FWB andTinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20237059.post-3462264370989139042008-02-08T08:23:00.000-05:002008-02-08T08:28:25.634-05:00Wish I Could Stop CryingI know I need to talk to the MF again; I've nearly figured out what it is I want to say, but I just can't make myself do it right now. I'm so sick today and I've been crying all morning like I do when I've got a fever or feel really, really awful, and it just feels so nice to have him taking care of me. I just want to relax right now and put myself in someone else's hands for awhile. At least Tinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13747560194164656266noreply@blogger.com8