Sunday, February 19, 2006

Sex and Secrets

Let's see if I can put together a semi-intelligent post during this fuzzy-brained hangover.

Last night I went down to New Haven to hang out with my new friend Becca and two of her friends. I made pomegranate martinis. Too many of them. I left my shaker there. That's ok. I have a spare. I am sitting on the bed right now wondering if Becca's mad at me from last night and looking at this book that her friend Mike gave me to read: The Ethical Slut. I will wait her out for a day and if she doesn't talk to me, I'll talk to her tomorrow. Why would she be mad at me, you ask? Because I made out with her ex-boyfriend a lot last night. Nope, false alarm. She's cool with me still. (Just IMed with her a bit.) But she did feel the need to share with Whit that nipple clamps were involved with the evening last night. At least she didn't tell her about the whip.

I'm thinking about sex and secrets today. Not necessarily together but those are the two issues I'm thinking about. I'm thinking about my definition of sex. When Bill Clinton said, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman," even though I voted for and still supported the guy, and even though I did and still do feel that his sex life was no one's business, I, like most of the rest of the country, had a hard time swallowing (forgive the pun) that a bj did not count as sex. But you know what I realize now? I have a Bill Clinton definition of sex. When I count who I've been with, I don't count anything besides penetration. Anything else only counts as fooling around to me.

I'm also thinking about the secrets I keep, not the secrets I keep for others but the secrets I keep for myself. I consider myself to be a very open person; ask me any question and I will give you an honest answer. In fact, I will likely tell you much more than you really wanted to know anyway. But there are a couple of things that I would not tell anyone. Two, to be precise.

One is something that happened to me, something I had no control over. It happened a very long time ago and I keep the secret not for shame but for privacy. I have shared this secret with a few people but it is something I choose to share very rarely.

The other is something that I did, something I had complete control over. It happened not very long ago, within the last couple of years. This secret I do keep for shame. I try to live an ethical life; I try to do the right thing. I try not to hurt anyone, especially those I love. And yet once I did something that went against all these tenets. I don't have an excuse for why I did it; I just did it. And now I keep the secret. I won't share that secret here but I will share one part of it: I don't feel nearly as much guilt as I know I should.

2 comments:

dan said...

The only thing that can ever be expected of us is to be the best human beings we can be.

Of course, we are all human beings, so it's a lot harder than it looks. ;)

Tina said...

Yeah I agree with you there, Dan. Unfortunately, on one occasion I disappointed myself in this area and now must live with that.