Friday, February 24, 2006

When I Was a POA at Luci's Wedding

Crushing Jew Anon has requested that I write "summit" for him to read when he gets to work in the morning all hung over. So naturally I thought of one of my own drunk stories, which occured last summer (before I started blogging) and therefore was never described here. Oh, kiddies, hold onto your hats because this one is a treat!

So it was my friend Luci's wedding. I couldn't decide which of two guys I wanted to bring so I decided to bring my friend Nicole instead. It was an open bar so we were buzzed within oh about 30 minutes of the beginning of the reception. First Nicole asked the bartender for a margarita and he said he was too busy to make it! The nerve! We were so upset! So we consoled ourselves by moving to the daiquiri bar and sucking down two each.

We went to the ladies' room and in the powder room section I saw that someone had left their disposable camera on the vanity. Well, I had just finished lamenting that I forgot to bring a camera of my own so I decided this was a sign that I needed to take this lost camera. We were just leaving the ladies' room when this girl came in and looked directly at the spot where the camera had been sitting moments before. So, being the honest girl I am, I shoved it down the front of my dress. Yay to having lots of cleavage!

So we get back to the reception and now I am in a room with a hundred people and a camera between my breasts. How to remove it without the 8 strangers sharing a table with us witnessing me groping myself?? Well, I decided that the best course of action was to shimmy it down the dress so it would drop out between my legs and under the table. Problem solved! Off for another round of free drinks! The daiquiri bar having been removed, we went back to the mean bartender and asked him to make us a drink. We asked him to decide on it. So he says, "I'll make you a P.O.A." Oh, thought I, a drink I haven't heard of (having been a bartender myself for a whole month at the time). It was good-yummy, fruity, and strong.

We discussed what we thought P.O.A. stood for. The meal was pretty uneventful. You know, what with the food and the speeches, etc, we weren't able to quaff much alcohol. But as soon as possible we were making our way right back up to the bar! We asked for two more P.O.A.'s and all sly said, "P.O.A. stands for Pissed Off Alcoholic, doesn't it?" (Figuring this was an excellent guess, given how angry we were over the initial margarita incident and how clearly alcohol-hungry we were.) Bartender man laughs and says, "No I swear that's not it!" But he wouldn't tell us what it was.

Another trip to the ladies' room. The wedding was at one of those places that hosts multiple events at the same time and there were two other weddings going on at the same time. Luckily camera girl must have been at one of the other weddings. Upon passing the guestbook for another wedding, we decided to sign that one as well. Ha ha, we thought. Aren't we clever little lushes?!

We danced. We drank some more. We did shots with the bride; we did shots with the underage kids that worked for Luci. We drank some more. At some point in our many trips to the bar, bartender man finally told us what P.O.A. stood for: Piece Of Ass. I almost would have preferred Pissed Off Alcoholic because it was funnier, though the real meaning was more flattering, obviously.

After the cake was cut, and everyone was dancing and away from the tables and mingling, I decided that I really, really liked Luci's wedding favors: Shot glasses inscribed with the bride and groom's names and the wedding date (filled with jordan almonds-ick-but still, the shot glasses were awesome). So I noticed that a few people had left the wedding and didnt' take their shot glasses. I all slick-like sat at their tables and slipped their shot glasses into my little mini purse.

We went to the bathroom again. This time, there was a videographer girl outside wanting the guests to give their little wedding speeches for prosperity's sake or whatever. So Nicole and I took our turn. I cannot remember what all I said to that girl but she sure as hell was laughing her ass off at me. On the way into the bathroom we signed the other couple's guest book again, this time with famous people's names. Ah, what clever P.O.A.'s we were! On the way back out we signed yet again, this time with clever messages like "Happy Hannukah!" and "Best wishes on this Arbor Day!" In the middle of leaving our latest best wishes, Videographer Girl comes over and says, "Um, I think that is the wrong guest book." Poor girl thought she was being helpful to the silly drunks that had lost their way.

Instead, I said, "We know! SHHHHHH!!" I would not be surprised to find out that she filmed this as well, as she laughed at the two of us some more, being giant asses. Then she asked us to get more wedding guests to come out and do the best wishes deal so we proceeded to harass everyone inside to get them to go out. Luci's friend Gay Matt (who wore a very pimped out suit and was looking incredibly slick--there may have even been a cane, though I am a little fuzzy) had us come out to do his video message with him. So in front of the camera Nicole, Matt, and I arranged to have a three-way marriage, and when he was done with his message, we both kissed him at the same time.

I believe this was when Videographer Girl realized that she would have excellent footage if she just began following us around the reception for the rest of the night because after that it seemed that every time we turned around, there she was! We decided to sneak into the reception of the "Happy Hannukah" people and check out their favors to decide if they were worth snitching. They weren't. Just crappy Hershey's bars with a picture of the happy couple on the custom label.

We did shots with the bride again when we could finally get her to ourselves. I wrote two signs on paper napkins and had Nicole take a picture of me holding the one that said, "I quit bitch!" The thought at the time was, wouldn't this be a hilarious way to give my notice at the end of the summer when I was returning to school? The other, that said "Fuck Karen" (the VP of the company where we all worked), I had Luci hold up for a snapshot.

Nicole picked up one of the groomsmen (with my forcing her to) and while she danced the last two or three dances with him, I made some more rounds of the empty tables, stealing more shot glasses. Now I didn't care if these people had left or not as long as they were otherwise occupied. Finally, at midnight, they forced us out. Nicole wanted to go with the groomsman to an afterparty but I told her that she couldn't since she has a boyfriend and I didn't think it was a good idea. So we made our way home.

Final shot glass count: 14. I have no idea how 14 shot glasses fit into a mini purse. No idea at all.


Anonymous said...

Proper litlle wedding crashers wern't you.

That sunded like a good ass party.

Tina said...

Well it was for us anyway, and I'm sure for all the people watching us too.

I still have to go watch the wedding video to see the true extent of my ass-ness that evening.

Jenna Howard said...

Tina, you're my drunken hero. At my brother's wedding my Aunt took all the plants that were on the tables only they weren't for everyone but select guests - ones my brother and sil liked. My aunt is not well liked. I never got my plant from the wedding. Sure, I would have killed it within two days but I would have had the special pot with their names and dates painted on.

My brother told me of a drink called Matt's Panty Remover (Matt is not my brother but his friend) It involves hot chocolate, peppermint schnapps, and marshmallows.

Tina said...

Mmm, Matt's Panty Remover sounds yummy!

I'm sorry you got gipped out of your plant. I too would have killed the plant but the pot does sound lovely.

Anonymous said...

jewed out of your plant - its pronounced 'jewed'