Sunday, December 09, 2007

The Whore Looker

Ah, the Urination Incident...

You know how people say to you after a particularly horrifying incident in your life, "One day you'll look back on this and laugh"? (They are always saying this as they laugh at you and you are most noticeably not laughing, I've noticed...) Well, as painful as it may be at the moment, I've come to realize that in fact, they are usually right. And looking back at this incident over a month later, I can say that this was exactly one of those times.

He was cute, the right age, and his job description said government contractor. I figured government contractor meant he was stable. Silly me. But I foreshadow... we had pretty good conversation IMing, which is my favorite means of getting to know someone pre-date. Turns out he was a trucker whose company sometimes contracted to the U.S. Post Office, but more often contracted to, say, a microbrewery. Still, I tried to keep an open mind.

A trucker. I might date a trucker. Truckers make decent money. They connect the commerce centers of America. A lot of them have wives and children to whom they are faithful and loving. He's a trucker so he mostly can't IM and so I tried to overcome my phone phobia for him. We talked quite a bit for 2 days straight, and had our first date at the end of that second day. We went to the Wood N Tap down the road from my place, and dinner was good. We had good conversation and there was a definite physical attraction. There was a lot of eye contact and flirting, touching each other's hands, etc.

Outside the restaurant we made out against the car. I was expecting Mike to come by later that night; he had been having trouble with his latest girlfriend and needed to talk, so I figured it would be fairly safe to let the Trucker come back to my place since there was less than an hour before Mike would arrive. Wrong...I can get into trouble in less than an hour. We totally did it. Three times. (Not that that meant a lot since the total length of the three times added up to about ten minutes.) Still, I don't mind all that much when a guy finishes kind of fast. I think it's because the Big X went on for hours every time, and while that sounds all well and good, it gets quite tiring.

He wanted to stay the night, but alas, I hate guys staying over. Goes along with the whole fear of commitment thingie; I feel smothered if they are in my bed after I'm done with them. Plus, Mike was coming over. So Mike came, and the Trucker was still there so they met and off went the Trucker.

The next two days contained a lot of us talking on the phone...until this one conversation. I'm going to have to write this all out in play-acting script, to do it justice...so we'll say T=Trucker; M=Me.

T: Do you like anal sex?

M (thinks to self: This is quite a question after just one day...)

T: So I have this friend....

M (thinks to self: This friend, huh?)

T: He likes to fuck girls in the ass and while he's at it, he likes to piss in their asses.

(I kid you not, Audience. I wish I did, but I do not kid you.)

M: (Stunned silence.)

T: I would never do that to you, of course.....

M: DAMN STRAIGHT!

T: That friend of mine and me...we went looking for a hooker once who would let us piss in their asses, but we couldn't find one.

M: I have to go....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The end. Well, not quite...he had the nerve to ask me the next day why I stopped talking to him. Now, I mean, I've heard of water sports. I'm also not the most prudish girl you've ever met (in case you haven't figured that out just yet). But to tell me after just one date that you want to piss in my ass and you like to go look for whores? A bit much for me.

And so the legend of the Whore Looker was born, and all my friends got a giant laugh out of how crazy that Tina's dating life is, and that Tina decided to take a break from dating for a bit....

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty damn positive I'd never let some guy pee in my bum.

Talk about a conversation stopper.

But whoo-hoo on the sex 3 times. Though the peeing in the bum really diminishes that doesn't it?

Maybe you need a tattoo on your bum? A little stick man taking a pee then one of those circles with a slash through it like no smoking.

dan said...

I am shocked and/or appalled.

The question of the moment however, is... after the phone conversation, exactly how long in seconds did it take you to run to the shower?

Tina said...

Yes, the peeing in the bum comment definitely diminishes the good sex. Will consider tattoo, since apparently that is necessary when dating in New England in 2007.

And Dan, um, you know how in basketball they have the clocks that count the hundredths of seconds? You'd need one of those to measure.

Hot. Water. Soap. Lots of it.