Monday, July 17, 2006

The Peaks and Valleys of my Weekend

Saturday night I went to a baseball game, first one I've ever gone to. Ever. I understand about 80% of the game, so I was able to enjoy what was going on but even more than the game itself I enjoyed ingesting: $4 Guiness (it was Irish Night); a pretzel; soft serve ice cream in a mini Rock Cats hat; $4 Guiness (with sprinkles from the ice cream cross-pollenating); peanuts; cotton candy; cheese fries. I went home with a belly ache. Oh, and the Rock Cats lost.

Tonight we had a work party in a less affluent community than Greenwich. It was still fun. We had bison burgers (ew), salmon burgers (eh), and turkey burgers (yum). We also played Trivial Pursuit (the last 20 years edition, which I suck at, despite being alive for more than all of them). There was lots of drinking. And now I am home. And stinking of smoke, which I only do when I've been drinking too much.

I know this isn't the right thing to say but I really needed to get drunk tonight. We got bad news about my mom this week and she's going in for surgery on Thursday. It's two new spots on her liver, which they are confident they can remove, but it's another hospital stay for my mom, who tries to be brave but hates being there overnight. She got a bit depressed about it. Actually, she probably got much more than a bit depressed, if she was willing to admit even a bit to me.

I had to explain to my sisters why this time things were going to be okay so they wouldn't flip out (mostly so Stacy wouldn't flip out). I had to call my dad, who was at the cape for a few days, because no one else but me can deal with telling him things about my mom's health. He asks a million questions and expects you to have the answer to every single one, when even the doctors don't. He also needs to be reassured that things aren't horribly bad and Mom will be okay this time.

When I was done with all those phone calls, I was sitting on the floor in the corner of the office trying to hold in my own tears. There was no one left to reassure me that things will be okay after all, and after my mom told me that she was feeling depressed, I just keep thinking this one horrible thought. You see, she's beat the odds this long because of her perseverance and positive attitude, but now she's feeling a bit depressed. What happens when she decides she just can't put her body through another surgery, another round of chemo?

What happens when she's had enough?

Friday when I was leaving work, I ran into my Mike walking down the street. He came over and chatted with me a bit, standing a little closer than necessary. For the first time, I felt chemistry with him. There are still a million reasons why I don't think things with him would work but now there are two reasons why they might--the chemistry and the fact that he is a really nice guy. He came to the office Saturday morning to volunteer and the chemistry was still there. I can't help but think, though, that this might be a side effect of what's going on with my mom and not having anyone to lean on about it all. After all, the last time I started to get really lonely for a relationship was when things were going on with my mom. I don't know.

I'm confused. And worried. And trying to ignore all of it.

2 comments:

dan said...

Of course, it could just be over time you've grown the chemistry.

Some reactions take longer than others.

Only your dentist knows.

Anonymous said...

Hugs on your Mom, Tina. I hope it all works out. Don't forget to breathe.

I had a "mike". Granted his name is Jeff. Very sweet. Very shy. Very nice. One day I looked at him and went "Dang!" but through a comedy of errors that last several years, nothing ever came of it. So...who knows, my friend. Who knows.

The best trivia game to play drunk is That 80s Game. When we play we suck at sports so we'd just guess the first name. These are the two names I know for 80s sports trivia: Magic Johnson and Mary Lou Retton. That's it. Oh and the Jamaican Bobsled Team and Eddie the Eagle. But great game when you're drunk. I'm amazed at what I remember about the 80s. Seriously. Amazed.