Tuesday, December 27, 2005

My Mike and Relationship Tests (11/21/05)

Having said all I said in my last post, here’s how I know I like this guy more than the others I’ve seen since my ex. It’s because of my Mike. My Mike is a guy who I see every once in awhile in a completely casual, nonsexual way. He liked me and wanted to date after I became single again this past winter but was so incredibly shy that it took him like a month to even attempt to ask me out and even then, he would get like all the way through the setup, to the point where the next sentence would be, “So do you want to go out this weekend?” and then freeze and walk away.

After about another month of this, I realized I had better start dating again, even if I wasn’t interested in Mike physically. I knew he was the most non-threatening guy I could pick to be my first date after the ex. So I asked him out, being clear that I was only interested in something platonic at this point, and we’ve seen each other since then. I’ve seen other guys too but nothing that’s been serious. The whole time it’s been nice having my reliable Mike, knowing if I had an event where a person with a penis was required to attend with me I could bring him along. I mean, every single girl needs a Mike.

I think Mike was trying to put moves on me the last few times we went out but it’s a little hard to tell with him because he is so, so shy. He started hugging me after each date, then incorporated rubbing my back. When I went to his house to watch a movie with him, he put special romantic music on that he had cued up.

I haven’t seen Mike since I met this guy, but it’s about the time I would. And I don’t want to. I know that since I view us as just friends there is no reason for me not to see him, but I still don’t want to. Partly I’m sure it has to do with Mike’s feelings for me; if I saw him again, I’d tell him about the guy and I know that would hurt him. But I wouldn’t not tell him because I do like this guy too much to risk Mike even thinking that we might someday date while I’m with this guy.

I don’t know how much I want to expose myself in this entry because this guy does read my blog and there are some things that probably aren’t appropriate to tell him just yet. But I have definitely moved past the point I was at in the beginning with this guy. I wasn’t thinking this would or wouldn’t last in the beginning; I wasn’t really thinking much except that everything that was happening felt right. Now I am thinking more. I don’t want anything regarding my Mike to screw things up for us.

I’ve been joking with this guy about having to pass all these tests before we decide whether to get serious and it totally annoys him when I talk about us in terms of tests, which of course means I must continue to do it. But there is truth to the idea despite what he thinks on the subject. The beginning of two people getting together is all a series of tests, whether they recognize it or not. I don’t mean that if I fail one test I get booted, or even that there’s any sort of formula like three strikes and you’re out, but the whole process of getting to know someone is all about figuring out if you two could work in the end. Whether people admit it or not, if enough tests are failed, things will likely end.

And I’ve realized I don’t want to fail his tests. Not that that means I do anything differently around him; I mean, if I pass enough tests, I want it to be because of who I really am. At the end of the day, he’s going to decide he likes me a whole lot or doesn’t. And I guess this all means I have my own tests too, though I couldn’t tell you what they are. Maybe no one knows their own tests for another person until they say to themselves, “What he just did really rubbed me the wrong way.” So at the end of the day, I’m also going to decide I like him a whole lot or I don’t.

What I know now is that I’m rooting for the I like him a whole lot and he likes me a whole lot choice.

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