On Being Alone (12/11/05)

The first month and a half after my ex and I split up I would have taken him back in a heartbeat. Then I found out he had been cheating on me before we broke up and then I still would have taken him back for two reasons: To temporarily abate my pain and to have the satisfaction of being able to then dump him on his ass and cause him as much pain as possible. Another month later I got over even that desire.

I had a bunch of new friends. I had started to make plans for my life and my future looked different—it looked bright and it looked all mine. I was finally happy alone. I dated sometimes but really didn’t want a boyfriend. I only dated as a sort of hobby, something to do with my time and to have fun with. In fact, as I mentioned in a previous entry, I was very careful about who I dated. I made sure to date guys that I wouldn’t be interested in long-term; I might be attracted to them or I might think they were really fun and nice but not both.

That suited me for a long time. I was alone but I wasn’t ever lonely.

At 3 am one night this summer my ex called me drunk. I didn’t pick up the phone but he left a message that went something like, “It’s me. I just want to let you know that I’m sorry for everything.” I told my friends about it the next day and they were all concerned. Don’t you dare take him back, etc, etc. I laughed. I was like, have you seen the difference in me these past few months? I would never go back to who I was when I was with him. I never even considered for a second after those first months taking him back, not even for revenge because revenge on him didn’t matter anymore.

I was thankful for that phone call. It let me know I was truly over him. I could have picked up the phone. I could have called him back. I could probably even have taken him back but I didn’t. And so I went on, alone but not lonely, happy and content in being single and not dating the same guy more than a couple of times.

And then I met Greg. That’s the name of the guy I’ve been going on about lately. I knew he was dangerous for me because he was someone that I wanted to see more than once or twice but I couldn’t help myself. I got used to seeing him on a regular basis; I got used to him being there and I started to need him a little. I still rebelled against anything real and serious and long-term but every time I left him I liked knowing that I was going to see him at least once more. At least once more was always enough and never too much.

So then came the time a couple of weeks ago, unbeknownst to each other, when he had decided to tell me he just wanted to be friends because he thought I was too attached to him and I decided to tell him I thought we needed to see other people because this was starting to feel too much like a real relationship when it really wasn’t and I didn’t want one right now. Well he got to say his first, and I did tell him mine after, and then he said he thought we were going to be ok because we were more on the same page than he thought. So I thought good, things can go back to what they were sort of but without all the pressure and he said yeah, you could think of it that way.

That was two weeks ago and things aren’t the same; I’m not sure what they are. He was sick for a week and so everything was sort of on hold but now another week has passed and he is different toward me. We don’t talk unless I initiate things and even then not for long and he has yet to invite me over. I won’t be convinced things are ok unless we see each other and they really are. So maybe he’s changed his mind again and he wants things over now, and I could be okay with that if he told me so and I could move on.

Well that’s not true entirely. I lied when I said before we were never friends. He has been my friend. We had fun hanging out and watching movies together and I think he’s really funny and he looks at life in a way I’ve never seen before and I would like to have gotten to explore that more. Taking away all the sexual stuff, yeah, there was friendship there. So there’s that to be sad for: Another lost friendship.

But there’s more that bothers me. Thanks to Greg I’m no longer happy to be completely alone. I will be again I think but I’m not yet. I miss being with a guy that I really do like; I miss having his arms wrapped around me and feeling home and protected and right. I miss being with someone that I actually do want to see again at the end of the night.

So now I am alone and lonely. I don’t like that combination at all.