Big Things on my Mind

Sometimes a lot of time lapses between posts on this blog because I’m very busy and sometimes it’s because I have something big on my mind but I’m not ready to put words to it. This time it’s the second reason, and there are two big things on my mind.

I have avoided relationships for over three years. I have not wanted to get entangled with another person to that level mainly out of fear. When things ended with the Big X, I had to create a whole new life; over the course of a decade with him, I had lost all of my old friends and he was my best friend, so I thought that was okay. I had become a completely different person—someone who was unhappy most of the time, who had a temper, had lost her sense of humor . . . just not a great person, and not at all who I was before the Big X, and not at all who I wanted myself to be.

I didn’t ever want that to happen again; I didn’t want to lose who I am because of a guy. And I know it wasn’t entirely the Big X’s fault; he wasn’t so emotionally abusive to me that I HAD to give up my friends; he never verbally stated that I was to put him above family and everyone else—it was clearly implied and I was punished with screaming and name-calling if things weren’t the way he wanted—but still, I could have walked away at any point. I could have said no, I’m not going to go along with what you want over my own interests. It wasn’t entirely the Big X’s fault that I became a mean and unhappy person; he didn’t force my personality to change—it was nearly impossible not to pick up his pessimism and mean-spiritedness because that was the only thing I was ever exposed to—but still, I could have walked away at any point. I could have but I didn’t.

So after I picked myself up and put the pieces together again like the Humpty Dumpty of 2005, I decided I shouldn’t get in a relationship with anyone again for a long, long time. And I dated quite a bit, but I either always found something wrong with the guy within the first couple of dates, or they began to talk to me as if they wanted a relationship (using terms like girlfriend or talking about “our future”) and I had my usual panic attacks and ran away. I never had to worry about ending a relationship because I never let it get to that point.

I’ve been dating the MF now for nearly 3 months, and within the last week or two I’ve felt like things have turned some kind of corner with us. I haven’t been able to put the words to it even in my own head and certainly not to the MF himself. The best I’ve been able to do is tell him how I feel about the sex, and I’ve been telling him that a lot—maybe too much. I mean, it is really just great. Everything fits together just right and I am very satisfied—more satisfied than I have been in the past. But I don’t want to give him the impression that I’m in this for the sex because you know what I can’t hide from myself anymore? My feelings run deeper than just casual sex. I’d be lying to myself if I said that was all this is anymore. Maybe it started that way for me, but it’s not that way for me anymore.

I’m still scared as hell, though. I now find myself in the middle of that thing I’ve spent 3 years fearing: A Relationship. And I don’t want to end it just yet. But I’m still scared, and I’m trying to put words to why and see if they are reasons I can fix, or if this really just won’t work. I hope I can fix all the fears, but I don’t know that that is true, which is probably the biggest fear of all: What if I invest my efforts into this thing now (something I’ve really avoided doing so far)—get through such scary things as him meeting a couple of my friends, for example, or God forbid make myself vulnerable to him—and in the end, there are other things that just can’t be fixed? What if I do all that really scary and hard work and it’s all for naught? What if I let him hurt me? Or I hurt him unintentionally because of all my stupid fears? I couldn’t live with myself anymore.

So for now I just tell him about how much I love the sex, and not about how much I love everything else.

Oh. And the second big thing on my mind? An unsolicited IM from my sister which hurt me very deeply, so deeply I’m not ready yet—even though it was sent over a week ago—to discuss it here, or with her for that matter. So . . . to sum up: I’m afraid of getting hurt by or hurting the MF; and I am deeply hurt already by someone who I’ve considered one of my best friends in these last couple of years. The two of those things together is enough to make me re-think the philosophy by which I’ve lived my life from 2005 to 2008.

Translation: It may be awhile until my next post again. And I probably need a shrink.