Frigging Guys

The MF came home on Saturday and we spent time together then and Monday. He brought me a book and a very pretty necklace and earring set from India. The book, No Full Stops in India, is by a British journalist who lives in India, and it is a collection of essays that touch on different aspects of Indian society and culture. I started it last night, and it’s bringing back some things I had forgotten I knew about the country and at the same time showing me how much I still have to learn. The MF also mentioned that he’s reading another book about India that he’d like to lend to me when he’s done. I like that he wants me to learn about his country.

I am very happy with him but cautious. I wish we had never had the Conversation about not moving too quickly (that part I was fine about) and him not wanting to hurt me (that is the part that concerns me) because now I’m probably overly concerned that he will hurt me so I am holding back in a way that is hard to explain. I’ve talked this through with a couple of friends because what it comes down to is definitions, the biggest one right now being, are we or are we not exclusive to each other at this point?

I had a couple of other guys pursuing me when I first met him, and right at the time it would have been inappropriate and silly to say to them, “Hey, I’ve been on one date with this guy and I have a good feeling about him so I can’t talk to you anymore.” Then a week or two went by and we had seen each other several times so at that point I probably would have said to the other two guys, “I’ve started seeing someone and it might turn serious so I want to see where it goes and I’ll contact you if it doesn’t work out and blah blah blah . . .”

But the pesky Conversation happened and it made me cautious because what does that mean, he doesn’t want to hurt me? Does it mean he needs to take things slow? Does it mean he’s still seeing other girls (which would have been perfectly understandable at the time)? Does it mean he doesn’t see the possibility of a future with me and knows this is just temporary (which again would have been ok if I knew that was what he meant and knew it up front)? Or any number of other possibilities, which because I hate those conversations, it didn’t even occur to me at the time to bring up.

At any rate, when the MF left for India, we had not put any sort of definition or label to what we were doing, and these other guys were still pursuing me and I didn’t know what to do. So I talked with a couple of friends and of course everyone had their own opinion—some felt that if it had not been specifically stated that we would not date other people, I would be stupid to not keep my options open and I shouldn’t feel guilty about going out with other guys when he was gone; others felt that if they had been seeing someone for three weeks that it was sort of implied that they were exclusive and they’d be really pissed if they found out that there was dating of other people going on. I, of course, being the consummate love ‘em and leave ‘em type up until now, have no personal experience in this matter from which to draw.

So the situation remained unresolved and I still talked to the other guys but tried to keep them at arm’s length so that we didn’t get to the point of a first date before the MF returned, thinking that when he did, we could clarify things then. Well, the truth is, one of the guys did push for a first date soon after New Year’s and I tentatively agreed but then put off finalizing plans so we never ended up going. But these guys are still talking to me, clearly with the hopes that getting to know me will result in a romantic situation. And I still haven’t dashed those hopes. And I still haven’t had the conversation with the MF about frigging definitions. Because I hate the fact that we have to even have definitions and I especially hate having to talk about all that squishy stuff.

Also because of the Conversation. I sort of decided that since he brought that stuff up, I would not talk about anything resembling moving forward/defining things/(insert here any other term you can think of that may cause someone who wants to take things slowly to panic), that I would let him set the pace for now and bring that sort of stuff up the next time whenever he was ready. But that leaves me still stringing along these other two guys, and I’m realizing the main reason I’m doing that now is out of fear—fear that he is seeing other women or doesn’t see this going anywhere or something like that; fear that if I cut off these other options—they are both perfectly nice guys or I wouldn’t still be talking to them—he’s not making that same level of commitment to me or he’s thinking that there is an end in sight here, and I’m going to be alone again in a few weeks or a month and will have passed up on these other two opportunities in the meantime.

Of course, the most telling conversation I had with friends about this while the MF was gone was with Rose. She asked me, “Do you want to go out with either of these other guys romantically?”

“Not anymore,” I said. “Right now I’m only comparing them to the MF and I’d rather be spending time with him.”

So she told me that I’m not really missing out on any opportunities here because my mind isn’t in the right place to start anything with these other guys right now anyway. And yet, I’m still afraid because of everything else I’ve written in this post. I told you, I frigging hate dealing with feelings and labeling things and all the technical crap that goes along with trying to be with someone that you sort of like and might want to see a future with someday if you can successfully navigate all this other crap in between here and there and still end up liking each other.

Frigging guys.