Three Armed Baby

So I check what brings people to my blog now and then. I can see if they googled something that sent them here, etc. I have a list of keywords that I get hits from because it amuses me. But this is the most amusing one so far and it just keeps coming up lately so I just must share. It started about a week ago and I must have seen over a dozen hits just by people googling this phrase:

Three armed baby.

It sends them to my old hot toddie post (which also gets hits from a ton of people googling hot toddie, by the way). I mean, today I've already gotten 2 hits from people searching for three-armed baby information. This all intrigues and amuses me.

P.S. Now the three armed baby fans will be directed to this post as well. I'll have a whole fan club of three armed baby supporters.

Crushin on someone

I was wearing my new khaki pants today. I've had them for 2 weeks. I was walking a parade for Memorial Day and at the end I was told that my pants had ripped right along the fly, leaving a huge gaping hole exposing my panties. Great. How many people had looked at my panties as I was trying to hand out flyers?

Oh well. At least I was wearing nice panties.

Yay! Anon is back! I hope he'll email me again.

This guy came into the office to volunteer last Friday and he was hot and funny and very friendly. He leaned in really close to me to see something I was pulling up on my computer screen and I got the butterflies. I haven't gotten the butterflies from a complete stranger in a long time. He's younger than me but then I haven't been with a guy who wasn't younger than me in over a year. I got his email address so I could send him a link to a video clip and I emailed him Friday night.

I haven't gotten a response yet and I'm disappointed. I frigging hate this. Why do I have to want to start dating again all of a sudden? Why do I have to have a crush? I haven't had a crush in forever and I don't like it. Not one bit.

Catching up: Guy Got Fired, Tantric Sex, Oxygen Mask

Been working like 14 hour days all the time lately, but been enjoying it. Some catching up to do here though.

I got my coworker fired, which I have mixed feelings about. He was really a nice guy (when he wasn't yelling at me). He was really earnest in doing his job (when he wasn't yelling at our volunteers that he didn't have time for them). He really wanted to get our organization to succeed (when he wasn't undermining it by spouting off to the public about things counterproductive to our message). See technically I was his boss and I was brought into this part of the organization from the area I had been in with the express purpose of trying to reign him in and keep him on message and on track. I was his last chance to keep the job, you could say, but he didn't see it that way and every time I tried to correct him or move him away from making another mistake, he yelled at me. I mean, actually raised his voice to the point of yelling, not just spoke meanly. Wednesday when he did it in front of our subordinate was the last straw.

Last weekend I learned all about tantric sex. I had of course heard of it before but didn't know the details. I mean, did you know the guy doesn't come and he's fine with this? It also makes things go on for hours. Not trying to brag here, but I'm just saying-four. I mean, that is a hell of a workout. Next day, my whole body was sore in that good, you've-been-working-out-really-hard-at-the-gym way.

The doctor wants me to go back for another sleep study with this oxygen mask on my face and I refuse to call and schedule it. If that's successful, I'll have to wear the damn thing for the rest of my life. Pretty sexy, a girl in bed with a mask on, huh? Plus, I've heard insurance doesn't cover the whole cost and I don't have the cash to pay for that crap. AND I know my apnea is caused by my ginormous tonsils and if the doc would just remove them everything would be fine again. Seriously, my tonsils are practically touching when I'm NOT sick with a sore throat. I've gotta tell my doctor to just rip those fuckers out because I'm sick of: waking up 273 times a night due to apnea; choking on my food because it gets stuck on my tonsils; fearing that I will suffocate every time I get a throat infection; and one more thing that giant tonsils handicaps that I won't state here because I've already talked about sex enough in this post.

I'm taking it easy this weekend so I think I'll be posting a few more times. Off to the vineyards for some wine tasting now though.

Why I'm a Bad Person on Mother's Day

There is a ton of guilt involved in thinking bad thoughts about my mother ever since, you know, she got diagnosed with cancer and every new trip to the doctor could bring news about her impending death. I had a rough time when I was a teenager, so in turn my parents had a rough time. It took me a few years into adulthood to be able to appreciate my parents enough to overcome any anger I felt from my childhood. Still, I knew that my parents were flawed, more than a lot of parents probably.

I wasn't beaten. My mother does have anger issues and yells a lot when she gets mad at children. Not at adults, just children. She is one of those parents that has brought the guilt trip to the level of art form. I can remember having a shoe thrown at me once. I suppose if I cared to I could make a case for emotional abuse. Example: My brother is a definite black sheep. Drug problems growing up, stole from us, ran away a lot, got arrested, etc. Mom used to yell at me when she got really mad, "You're turning out just like John!" Then after a couple of years, she stopped yelling that. Instead, she yelled at my younger sister, "You're turning out just like Tina!" That cut deep. I really wasn't that bad a kid. I never did drugs, didn't drink til I was 18, got good grades, didn't get in trouble at school. I got a bad attitude sometimes. That was as bad as I got.

Considering where my mother came from with her childhood, you could say she turned around quite well, but the scars of her youth sometimes shine brightly to me. Now that I am grown, they show most not in her dealings with me but in her dealings with my father, and secondly with my niece. What are the scars? Her father was a real bastard. He beat his children and his wife. He molested the daughters. He would eat steak while the children and his wife had to eat crap food. A treat for my mother and her seven SEVEN brothers and sisters was when my grandmother snuck a bag of M & M's (the small bag) and they got to sort it into piles by color and split the piles among them all.

Then my mom got married and had my brother. While she was pregnant, her husband left her for another woman, except he lied to her, saying he was going to a different state for a job and would come back for her when he was settled. When she found out the truth, soon after giving birth, she dumped all his shit onto the front lawn and washed her hands of him. This forced her to have to move back in with my grandparents until she married my dad four years later. So yeah, she has good reason for her anger toward men, and I do honestly think she never realizes how horrible she is being to my father but still . . . it is so hard to witness. It was hard enough when I was growing up but now that I am an adult who has been in relationships of my own, it is even harder to witness.

Example: My mother didn't want to celebrate Mother's Day with the Grandmonster. Understandable. So she devised a plan to invite the Grandmonster to breakfast at NINE AM, so that the obligatory time with the woman would be over with early and she could enjoy the rest of her own Mother's Day. Of course, the Grandmonster refused because it was too early. Mom told Dad that he should just go spend time with the Grandmonster on his own today. Also, she didn't want my dad involved in her plans with us girls today. She wanted time alone with us. So my dad, who is very forgetful, got up and was ready to go to breakfast with the family at 9 AM today and was upset when no one else was up. He blamed poor communication and threw a little hissy fit. (Again, more on Dad some other time.) So he went to spend an hour or so at his mother's and then my mom decided that we girls should all quick take a shower and get out of the house so we could go somewhere together! So basically we ran away from my dad today.

We were out of the house for about 4 hours; meanwhile, Dad got home and expected to find us all there so he could spend time with us. He called and we told him we were at the store getting stuff for dinner (which we were by that point, but still my mother didn't want to tell him we had really left so we could all go out for a late breakfast together). When we finally got home late in the afternoon, my mother walks into the kitchen to find a large bouquet of flowers in a vase with a gorgeous handmade card leaning against the vase. What is her immediate reaction? Surprise? Happiness? Try disgust. She clucked her tongue, rolled her eyes, and made a big production about how she's told my dad a million times "small bouquets!" This harping on my dad about buying the wrong kind of flowers went on for about ten minutes with no thank you among the muttering and bitching. I watched my dad's expression turn from being proud of himself for doing something loving to him looking like someone kicked his puppy, tears welling in his eyes. The man had been waiting at home for hours for his family to show up while we were out ditching him, and when we get home he gets yelled at for buying a gift.

This kind of scene is all too common in my parents' house but what bothered me most today was watching my sister Stacy get angry at my dad along with my mom. Stacy is turning into my mother. She treats her boyfriend nearly as badly as Mom treats Dad, and now she's taking on my mom's irrational anger toward my dad. My mother really can be a bad person and it's rubbing off on Stacy; also the twisted relationship she and my dad share has clearly affected all of their childrens' abilities to have healthy relationships of their own. More on the relationship some other time I'm sure, but really this is about how hard it is for me to come to terms with some contradicting facts.

I love my mother a lot. I will be devastated when she is gone. She is not a great person all the time; in fact, sometimes she is a downright bad person. I have guilt even thinking this because of her illness. It is always hanging over my head that I shouldn't get mad at her, I shouldn't criticize her, because she is dying. And here I am on Mother's Day thinking about the things that bother me most about my mother. Double guilt.

I Had a Nice Dream

Last night I dreamed that I just met a guy and we really clicked. His face is fading fast from my memory but I know he was tall (of course everyone is tall next to me) and had dark hair. He made me happy. He sent me flowers for my graduation in the dream and I told him I liked him a lot. He thought I said I loved him and since we had only known each other a week or two, he was naturally a little shocked. We both laughed when I repeated what I really said. My friend wanted to make sure that we didn't rush into things too fast--specifically that we didn't move in together--to which I replied that I have always meant what I said about not wanting to live with a man again until I was getting married. (This I should probably post on later.)

The point I took away from the dream was that I was happy and ready to have a relationship again--in a year, when I am graduating--but I will be ready and I will be happy with a guy again.

Later tonightI will post an unconventional Mother's Day piece.

Smart Tina and Not So Smart Tina

So an interesting little story that will amuse all:

I got a digital camera finally. I broke my old camera on my Seattle trip with my sister a year ago and a few weeks ago I finally got a new camera. So I've never had a camera that didn't require me going to the the store to get the film developed. One night I decided to, yes, take some pictures of myself in the nudd.

The next day I promptly erased them because I'm an idiot and I just knew that I would accidentally show them to someone when I was trying to show them a picture of my dog or something. Smart Tina.

Then I was talking with the FWB one night and let slip about the no longer existent naughty pictures. Of course he wanted me to take more and after much cajoling (okay just a bit of cajoling), I did. So I decided that the smart thing to do would be to download these pics to my iBook, thereby preventing any accidental viewing by casual digicam browsing friends. Smart Tina (or so I thought).

Fast forward a few days to me attempting to send a picture of my cat to a friend through iChat and oopsy, I accidentally sent a dirty picture of myself to another friend altogether. Imagine my surprise at seeing a picture of my rib cushions (nod to Dan) popping up in the window of my chat with poor-male-platonic-friend-who-shall-remain-nameless. Not So Smart Tina. Okay, Stupid Clutzy Dumb Tina.

So it was a bit awkward talking to this friend the next time but now things seem ok. And my other male friends say he probably was just thrilled to get it (which he might have been, but he is a gentleman and shy so he will never say). Smart Tina would of course have erased the incriminating pictures so such a mistake would not happen again, but I didn't.

I kind of like them.

Socially Acceptable Polygamist vs. Depraved Sex Maniac

The men in my life are a strange mix. I do not, obviously, have a boyfriend but I have men that fill various roles and all told probably add up to more than a boyfriend.

I have my Mike, who I haven't seen in a few months but did see tonight. He wants to see me next week. I agreed. I just don't get him though. At the meeting where we ran into each other tonight he was totally checking me out all night and over dinner next week again will make all these moves as if he's interested but never make the Big Move. (Which is okay I suppose since I don't have a physical attraction to him.)

There is the Friend With Benefits, who I haven't spoken to in a couple of months but have been in contact with over the last week or so. Our relationship picked up right where it left off--very sexual and that's about it. Which is okay with me. We talked about developing a deeper friendship and he said something about "more." The "more" scared me a bit. I told him the first two I was into, but the "more"--I wasn't sure how I felt about being more with anyone at this point and I'd need time to think about it. He said it would take time to get to that point anyway, so I guess that leaves us where we started--FWB--which I guess I'm okay with.

There is Eli. He is a good friend of mine who lives half the country away. He is always supportive when I have bad stuff going on and sometimes we flirt a bit but it's harmless given the distance.

There is Jake and Whitney, who have adopted me as their nonsexual third partner practically. Like their kid except I'm older than both of them. Sort of like that couple from California with the killer dogs that adopted that grown man in prison. (No I'm not in prison.) They take me fun places.

I have a couple of other male friends that fall somewhere between good friend and mere aquaintance: Jerry, Whit's Mike, Seth and Ryan (they are a pair--not in a sexual way!), Eddie.

All this leaves me...confused about men. I have all of my needs fulfilled and then some between all these guys but I still feel like there is a different path expected of me by my friends. I feel like Single Girl, whose friends can't wait to see her settle down or something.

And yes, sometimes I find myself wanting more of these aspects in one man (mostly when I am upset), but more often I am very happy with the men in my life. It's like I am a socially acceptable polygamist.

When I'm not feeling like a depraved sex maniac.

Not So Small Sins

I finished my last exam and I think I did okay on it. Now just a final report on my research to finish.

I'm still wondering about morality. When you examine historical documents from any religion, there are some basic morals imparted, usually the big ones: Don't kill or steal. Don't be hating on God(s). Don't covet, and so on. But there are also lots of little morals that are ingrained in all of us, whether religious or not.

I don't expect most people to break the biggies but I am amazed at how many small crimes we each commit every day: White lies, tiny betrayals and bigger betrayals, cheating a bit here or there, etc.

I do it. Everyone does. We all commit small sins but sometimes the tolerance we develop from these smaller ones leads to bigger ones, and when you've gone and committed a bigger moral mistake, you reason it away just like the small ones. It's the slippery slope that everyone warns you about.

Then suddenly you realize how horrible you have managed to be to someone that you really love, and maybe they don't even know it. And it is too late. Too late and DO NOT CONFESS. Not so you can get away with it but because, after much consideration, I really think that to confess to someone who is living in blissful unawareness of what you have done is unfair to them.

What happens? You assuage your guilt at the expense of that person's feelings. You destroy someone's sense of the world and dare to ask forgiveness afterward? More shame on you than you deserve just for committing the wrong in the first place.

What you deserve is not forgiveness, not at the expense of someone else's innocence. Let them keep their sense of security in the world. They certainly deserve that more than you do. Feel badly. Feel horribly. And keep it to yourself. That is your punishment.

Live with your guilt and never tell anyone.

Yes, I am guilty.

Unfinished Thoughts

There is so much I could be writing about right now. I have all kinds of thoughts swimming around in my head but I feel like they are all half formed. I'd like to take the time to finish them all but I really don't have the time tonight since I have to get up early in the morning to begin the all-day cram session for my last exam.

So I guess this is a cram session of sorts for my blog. I need to finish all these thoughts later on:

1. Why do I so easily let friends slip out of my life? (Right now I'm thinking of Neil. Maybe he'll read this and realize I'm thinking of him again.)
2. My parents have an unhappy marriage; lots of stuff to ruminate on there that I never have yet but it's been bugging me lately.
   
3. I am confused about men. I guess that isn't a new thought and certainly not an original one.
4. Why do people do immoral things? I don't mean in a religious, you-are-going-to-hell- for-living-with-your-boyfriend way but in a you-know-it's-wrong-and-could-hurt- someone way.
5. And I'm not religious but consider myself spiritual and need to explore that a bit more. My life lacks meaning right now, but I don't believe God will bring that meaning. I need to figure out how to find meaning on my own.

To be continued . . .