I Had a Nice Dream

Last night I dreamed that I just met a guy and we really clicked. His face is fading fast from my memory but I know he was tall (of course everyone is tall next to me) and had dark hair. He made me happy. He sent me flowers for my graduation in the dream and I told him I liked him a lot. He thought I said I loved him and since we had only known each other a week or two, he was naturally a little shocked. We both laughed when I repeated what I really said. My friend wanted to make sure that we didn't rush into things too fast--specifically that we didn't move in together--to which I replied that I have always meant what I said about not wanting to live with a man again until I was getting married. (This I should probably post on later.)

The point I took away from the dream was that I was happy and ready to have a relationship again--in a year, when I am graduating--but I will be ready and I will be happy with a guy again.

Later tonightI will post an unconventional Mother's Day piece.

Smart Tina and Not So Smart Tina

So an interesting little story that will amuse all:

I got a digital camera finally. I broke my old camera on my Seattle trip with my sister a year ago and a few weeks ago I finally got a new camera. So I've never had a camera that didn't require me going to the the store to get the film developed. One night I decided to, yes, take some pictures of myself in the nudd.

The next day I promptly erased them because I'm an idiot and I just knew that I would accidentally show them to someone when I was trying to show them a picture of my dog or something. Smart Tina.

Then I was talking with the FWB one night and let slip about the no longer existent naughty pictures. Of course he wanted me to take more and after much cajoling (okay just a bit of cajoling), I did. So I decided that the smart thing to do would be to download these pics to my iBook, thereby preventing any accidental viewing by casual digicam browsing friends. Smart Tina (or so I thought).

Fast forward a few days to me attempting to send a picture of my cat to a friend through iChat and oopsy, I accidentally sent a dirty picture of myself to another friend altogether. Imagine my surprise at seeing a picture of my rib cushions (nod to Dan) popping up in the window of my chat with poor-male-platonic-friend-who-shall-remain-nameless. Not So Smart Tina. Okay, Stupid Clutzy Dumb Tina.

So it was a bit awkward talking to this friend the next time but now things seem ok. And my other male friends say he probably was just thrilled to get it (which he might have been, but he is a gentleman and shy so he will never say). Smart Tina would of course have erased the incriminating pictures so such a mistake would not happen again, but I didn't.

I kind of like them.

Socially Acceptable Polygamist vs. Depraved Sex Maniac

The men in my life are a strange mix. I do not, obviously, have a boyfriend but I have men that fill various roles and all told probably add up to more than a boyfriend.

I have my Mike, who I haven't seen in a few months but did see tonight. He wants to see me next week. I agreed. I just don't get him though. At the meeting where we ran into each other tonight he was totally checking me out all night and over dinner next week again will make all these moves as if he's interested but never make the Big Move. (Which is okay I suppose since I don't have a physical attraction to him.)

There is the Friend With Benefits, who I haven't spoken to in a couple of months but have been in contact with over the last week or so. Our relationship picked up right where it left off--very sexual and that's about it. Which is okay with me. We talked about developing a deeper friendship and he said something about "more." The "more" scared me a bit. I told him the first two I was into, but the "more"--I wasn't sure how I felt about being more with anyone at this point and I'd need time to think about it. He said it would take time to get to that point anyway, so I guess that leaves us where we started--FWB--which I guess I'm okay with.

There is Eli. He is a good friend of mine who lives half the country away. He is always supportive when I have bad stuff going on and sometimes we flirt a bit but it's harmless given the distance.

There is Jake and Whitney, who have adopted me as their nonsexual third partner practically. Like their kid except I'm older than both of them. Sort of like that couple from California with the killer dogs that adopted that grown man in prison. (No I'm not in prison.) They take me fun places.

I have a couple of other male friends that fall somewhere between good friend and mere aquaintance: Jerry, Whit's Mike, Seth and Ryan (they are a pair--not in a sexual way!), Eddie.

All this leaves me...confused about men. I have all of my needs fulfilled and then some between all these guys but I still feel like there is a different path expected of me by my friends. I feel like Single Girl, whose friends can't wait to see her settle down or something.

And yes, sometimes I find myself wanting more of these aspects in one man (mostly when I am upset), but more often I am very happy with the men in my life. It's like I am a socially acceptable polygamist.

When I'm not feeling like a depraved sex maniac.

Not So Small Sins

I finished my last exam and I think I did okay on it. Now just a final report on my research to finish.

I'm still wondering about morality. When you examine historical documents from any religion, there are some basic morals imparted, usually the big ones: Don't kill or steal. Don't be hating on God(s). Don't covet, and so on. But there are also lots of little morals that are ingrained in all of us, whether religious or not.

I don't expect most people to break the biggies but I am amazed at how many small crimes we each commit every day: White lies, tiny betrayals and bigger betrayals, cheating a bit here or there, etc.

I do it. Everyone does. We all commit small sins but sometimes the tolerance we develop from these smaller ones leads to bigger ones, and when you've gone and committed a bigger moral mistake, you reason it away just like the small ones. It's the slippery slope that everyone warns you about.

Then suddenly you realize how horrible you have managed to be to someone that you really love, and maybe they don't even know it. And it is too late. Too late and DO NOT CONFESS. Not so you can get away with it but because, after much consideration, I really think that to confess to someone who is living in blissful unawareness of what you have done is unfair to them.

What happens? You assuage your guilt at the expense of that person's feelings. You destroy someone's sense of the world and dare to ask forgiveness afterward? More shame on you than you deserve just for committing the wrong in the first place.

What you deserve is not forgiveness, not at the expense of someone else's innocence. Let them keep their sense of security in the world. They certainly deserve that more than you do. Feel badly. Feel horribly. And keep it to yourself. That is your punishment.

Live with your guilt and never tell anyone.

Yes, I am guilty.

Unfinished Thoughts

There is so much I could be writing about right now. I have all kinds of thoughts swimming around in my head but I feel like they are all half formed. I'd like to take the time to finish them all but I really don't have the time tonight since I have to get up early in the morning to begin the all-day cram session for my last exam.

So I guess this is a cram session of sorts for my blog. I need to finish all these thoughts later on:

1. Why do I so easily let friends slip out of my life? (Right now I'm thinking of Neil. Maybe he'll read this and realize I'm thinking of him again.)
2. My parents have an unhappy marriage; lots of stuff to ruminate on there that I never have yet but it's been bugging me lately.
   
3. I am confused about men. I guess that isn't a new thought and certainly not an original one.
4. Why do people do immoral things? I don't mean in a religious, you-are-going-to-hell- for-living-with-your-boyfriend way but in a you-know-it's-wrong-and-could-hurt- someone way.
5. And I'm not religious but consider myself spiritual and need to explore that a bit more. My life lacks meaning right now, but I don't believe God will bring that meaning. I need to figure out how to find meaning on my own.

To be continued . . .