About the night full of trouble, I have only this to say for now:
- I am in love with J and have been for a long time.
- I am a very self-destructive person.
- I had been thinking for a long time that I was as screwed up as J and that two equally screwed up people who wanted to badly enough just might be able to make it work. Then tonight I thought maybe I was too screwed up for J to get over.
- Reading those last sentences again, I still think I may have been right the first time. But I also may have been right the second time, or maybe wrong both times, but I just don't fucking know anymore.
- I'm barely sure of very much in my life right this second, but I'm sure I don't want it to be over just yet. Even if it's going to be over eventually.
- And I need to try to put the pieces of my life back together again, whether it's over or not. It's been nearly a year and a half that I've grieved, and it's time I started healing. Read: Start acting like a grown-up again and clean my house, walk my dog, spend time with friends, and actually try to succeed rather than live on the adrenaline of seeing how close I can come to total destruction.
When I've gotten some decent sleep and I've got the turkey almost ready for Thanksgiving, I'll try to fill in some more detail. But not all of it.
A girl's got to have some secrets, after all. And she's got to stop hurting the ones she loves.
Posts
1 comment:
Sorry to hear about you & J. I really had my fingers crossed my friend.
Re Grief. It took me about a year and half too to get my feet back under me. Two years though it wasn't such a heavy weight on my heart. It does get easier but you'll always miss her. It will just hurt a little less more and more but it will always hurt. It just means you loved her and loved her well. It's taken me this long to get back to my writing and it's tough going.
Happy Thanksgiving to you & yours. Eat some of that turkey for me.
Post a Comment