Forgive Me

I fucked up. I didn't mean to but I guess that doesn't count for anything. I made one big fuck-up in the year I've spent with J. I told J about it on Wednesday night because he was finally honest with me about some of his biggest secrets. I thought we had finally made a bit of progress in our relationship and I was completely willing to try to work through the problems we had. I wasn't sure that things would work out in the end but I care too much about him to not at least give it my best try.

He was feeling really awful about the things he told me, and I wanted him to understand that he wasn't a bad person because of the secrets he held. So I told him a few of my own. Including my one big mistake which I have never told anyone about. I thought that he cared enough to at least try to forgive me. But either my mistake was too big to forgive or he just doesn't care about me as much as I thought he did.

Maybe it's naive, but I haven't yet given up all hope. I'm pretty sure it's over since he said as much Wednesday night and hasn't come back since. But I'm still hoping that if he has time to think about things, he might come to understand that I have forgiven his every transgression big or small and have always given him a chance to try again. I'm hoping if he realizes that, maybe he might reconsider just once forgiving me and letting me try again.

I just don't have the energy to write more than bits and pieces right now. Forgive me.