Deep in the Heart of Texas Part II: Wet and Naked

Goddamn I have been absentee lately. Not just from here but from my friends and family as well. Took on way too much this fall and now there's nothing for it but to push through each day until November 7th. But before I get too much into that, I'll finish up the San Antonio story...

So when we last left off I had packed for the trip. But...did I tell you about how I was assaulted by air puffs at the airport? It was a totally new thing that they did not have last year. You walked into the former metal detector but it had a plexiglass door on the other side and you had to stand there as air was blown on you in a short but strong puff. That air touched me in places no man has in months!

Okay so I asked them to do it again. Can you blame me? ;)

At the Atlanta airport where we changed planes, I stopped at the Starbuck's to grab an iced mocha. I know they're corporate and I don't care for their drip coffee at all, but their espresso drinks are okay. Also, they give health insurance to part time employees. But the Starbucks there did not have a working espresso machine. A Starbuck's without espresso? What in the hell is this world coming to, I ask you? I had to buy one of those fake frappuccinos you can get at the damn gas station.

But alas, we finally made it to San Antonio, checked into the hotel, and found a place to have a late lunch outdoors on the Riverwalk. It was Mexican food, of course; 1 out of every 2 restaurants in those parts is Mexican. The food was pretty good but more interesting was the wildlife: Ducks in the water were immediately attracted to suckers like my sisters and I, who would clearly be feeding them chips. Pigeons were, of course, more bold--to the point of obnoxious--walking all over our table and only dissuaded when we practically whacked them one. But the most thrilling was the water snake in the river, who hung out right near us the whole time. When I was in San Antonio last I wondered if anyone ever fell in when they were drunk. It wouldn't be so bad, as the water is only 3 to 4 feet deep. At least, that's what I thought before I saw the water snake. I know they're probably perfectly harmless, but come on! They are snakes!

After that, we retired to the hotel room for a nap. We had, after all, begun our day at 4:30 AM and had just drunk a pitcher of Sangria. I meant to only sleep for 1/2 an hour but next thing I knew it was after 9 PM. We went looking for dinner. We walked a ways down the Riverwalk in the dry heat of the night, weaving through fellow tourists, local couples, and kids out for some fun. Between the hotel and the mall was a fairly quiet stretch where we ran into a cockroach the size of my hand!! I kid you not. It's true: Everything's bigger in Texas!

We ended up eating a very late dinner at the Lonestar Grill, which had not bad food and a really, really funny karaoke dj/singer. Since no one would join in, this guy sang almost the whole night all by himself, at times pulling out a plastic blow-up guitar with which he rocked out. A metal-head Mexican stuck running karaoke night at a local chain restaurant. I felt kinda bad for him but he seemed to take it all in stride. There was also the lone drunk man who occasionally sang really off-tune version of 4 Non Blonde's "What's Up" and other bizarre songs to hear coming out of this guy's mouth.

Before taking off from there for the night we ordered shots of tequila at the bar. Having been a bartender, it took me only a second before I realized what the bartender meant when he asked if we wanted them fully dressed or wet and naked. God, I love bartenders' euphamisms!

So there was our first day in my favorite town in Texas. I promise I won't wait a month to get to the next day.